Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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