I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
