I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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