Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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