Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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