I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Michael Bay diarrhea
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
