I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
