Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
