I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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