allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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