After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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