I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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