I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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