This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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