I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have peed in a lot of sinks
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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