When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
