remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
