I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
