And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
