She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
