i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
