Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
