finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
