You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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