that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
