I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
