I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The best revenge is premature balding
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
