I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
