i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
