Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
