Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Even the bartender felt bad for me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
