Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
