Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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