well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
