Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
