I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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