Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
