i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
