i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
