so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
