Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
