she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
