My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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