Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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