you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
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Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I wear drunk well.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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