I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
