this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You're like the curious george of whores
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
