some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
