There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
