I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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