I cannot find my penis.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
