My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
