I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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