I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
