...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
