I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
